Walking on eggshells.......

So im gonna start right off the bat on this one, Im tired of having to watch everything i do and everything i say. Im so exhausted from having to walk on eggshells every single minute of my life. I personally feel that i am a good trust worthy person. I want to be able to be me and act and feel the way i want, make choices i want. ive been through alot in my life up until this point, my past has made me who i am today. I want to beleive that i am strong, but when people continuously try to bring you down, it gets difficult to truly beleive this.  I feel that i have no control over my life and what gose on in it, its very stressful and upsetting. I wish that i could have a say in things not get in trouble for every little thing i do. I have to watch everything post on facebook, i have to make sure my face looks happy enough, i have to be careful who i hang out with....make sure i do things so people dont get mad....its so tireing. People have excpectations of when i should go to work, when i should be over my daughters death, over my past, who i should hang out with, talk to. my fiance has decided to work on the road im alone 3 weeks at a time, i have no say or right to my feelings about this, when i break down that makes me a bad person. i clean , take care of the dog, i love, i care. and i get shit on. i would never cheat but my boyfriend thinks i would. his family hates it and i just sit and take it. I lost my littel girl not even 3 months ago, and everyone thinks i should just be ok...news flash im not... i buried my child.I love and miss her so much...i cant talk to neone about it and it hurts. ahhhhhh im just so stressed and unhappy. I dont know what to do feels like im losing myself sometimes.......ppl make me angry, life makes me angry.....at some point i gotta put me first and make me happy not everyone else. Just love me for me for the choices i make and the things i do, im not perfect but no one is.

Wanting a baby...

When i found out that i was pregnant last december i was so excited, my chance according to what the doctor told were slim to none on having children...i have severe endrmitriosis and they had found cancer cells on my cervix.... gee thanx for the good odds.... i had even had the laser sergery to remove my cells while i was 2 weeks pregnant. I had a healthy pregnancy up until the bleeding, then came the early labour caused by an infection in my amniotic fluid..they never told me what caused it, why i bled, if it could have been prevented. no one told me anything, this makes me a bit upset.....I want to have another baby so badly not to replace my maddie rose, to give my love to another child, give maddie a brother or sister. I wish every month that i dont get my period. at this point in my life I dont care what anyone thinks about this I should have the right to try for another baby!! I want to live my life the way i want not how others feel i should.... I lost my preciouys miracle, and i want to see if by chance god will send me another, one that can stay here on earth with me<3 My purpose in life was to be a mother, even though i am to a beautiful angel, i was robbed of many experiences of being a parent. I miss my angel with all my heart and think that, i want another baby to share all this love i have. I want to be an earth mommy so bad!!!!!! Its very hard for me to see pregnant women and babie, it breaks my heart. I havent held a baby since maddie passed away. maybe im afraid to. i wish i had my little girl. i hope god gives me a second chance<3

A processe in healing

My baby girl passed away 3 and a half months ago, on may 29th, she was born on the 17th, she lived for 13 days. Since maddie has paassed away, i have gone through many emotions, had many feelings, play it over in my head, see her when i close my eyes, i feel her all around me. There have been many to refer to my little girl as a fetus, this may have been where she was in her gestational age, but maddie was a baby an infant, she breathed, she lived!!!!!!!!! She was alive, she fought for her little life, she was my baby girl and now my angel girl!!!!! These remarks are very hard for me as her mother to handle....... i gave birth to this little beauty i gave her live, she was so much more then a fetus, she touched lives and many hearts. Another thing that angers me is everyones constent "get over it" or "move on." Im sorri but this is cruel and wrong, i lost my child my miracle baby, my little girl, my love, my life.....no im not going to just get over this...this will haunt me and hurt me till the day i die.....i lost a part of me, i have a whole in my heart that only that little girl will fill. i have soooo  much love for my baby girl. no one wrote a book on lossing your child as they did not write a book on parenting!!! I am doing the best i can, to carry on day after day without my little girl. i will never fully get over the events that happened ill never stop going through my head how i could have saved her, what i could have done better, all the what ifs you could ever imagine, the fact is she was born with angels blood much to beautiful for this earth!!!!!! Instead of my dreams to watch over this little girl, she now watches over me...i miss her sooo much every minute of every second of every day. i carry on knowing someday i will hold my angel agin and we will forever be together agin as a family, i just have to be patient until this time. I AM A MOTHER, MADDIE DID LIVE. I love my baby with all my heart! but as her mother i said i wanted to take her pain away, and even though i will live a life time with the pain of losing her, she is no longer in pain...she is at peace. And thats what a mother dose, we are always selfless we put our children first no matter what, and we love them always to the depths of our hearts and souls, they are a part of us and always will be, our gifts from god. I love my little girl sooo much xoxoxoxoxo LOVE YOU MADDIE<3 healing is a processe that takes a while, yet the scar will never fully heal, a peice of my heart will always be missing till we meet again.

Loving me for me

Today is september the 18th, yesterday my little angel would have been 4 months old!!!!! not only that she would have been able to come home with mommy and daddy. I sit back now and think of all the events that have played out up until now in my life, now dont get me wrong im not one for sympathy or a pity party....but the last 21 years have been no walk in the parrk for me....I used to be horribly ashamed of my past, and liked to bottle everyhting up inside....note to self not helpful........ I guesse ill begin on january 17th 1990, a month before i was due. I was born premature at 4 pounds, i fit between my mom's plam and the crease in her elbow, i was born with jaundice and a crocked nose, they called me a peanut because i was so small and tinted yellow, no diapers fit me so i had to be covered with a doctors mask and dressed in cabbage patch close due to the fact that is alll that would fit me.....And my mom thought i was smallll. In some ways my life was normal growing up...i went to school, got good grades, had a mom at home with a daycare, had friends, in those terms life was good. behind the scenes my biological father was a drunk abusive loser..i suppose that puts it nicely...the bastard used to beat my mom mentally and physically..he is a very scary man.... My parents seperated when i was in third grade. The beginning of the down world spiral.... My mom finally got the courage to divorce my father which i am now very very proud of her for doing(Amazing accoplishement mom) it was supposed to be better from here on out no more beatings, no yelling, no throwing things....possibly a chance at life without this? In  the beginning we visited my biological....soon things turned bad and i nor my brother wanted to go anymore....;why? was my mothers question..her answer didnt come until 8 years later, i was very young and so was my brother, we didnt like going to see our father, we hated it, but we went, due to some pretty pathetic guilt trips laid on kids by their grown adult father.I was 7 years old when it all began...as a child i didnt know what was going on, yet felt terribly uncomfortable being forced to sleep with biological alone, brushing upagianst me, the odd in appropriate grab. It soon worsened and i knew that it definately wasn't right anymore...my father raped and molested me for 7 years. I headed down a long dark road from there...one of shame, guilt disgust, self loathing, self harming, deep deppression..you get the picture..it wasnt pretty, nor was it for attention..simply to feel another pain to control something...i was lost scared and alone...the words if you tell i will kill your mmommy your brother and your nanny echoing through my head. the sceneces rehashing in my head, the disgusting words.  This didnt go unnoticed, one day after discovering my self harm and after several suicide attempts, mom mom asked if anything had ever happned and furthered her question with did ur father ever do anything to you? I broke i revealed everyhting that i had gone through, i caved i couldnt hold it in anymore it was killing me. we then went to court on both provincial and federal level, they got a warant for his arrest and flew him back to be held in custody and for the cases. After a nasty case he was let free..... Again massive downward spiral, drugs alchohol, smoking, living on my own, no school... to this day i still have flash backs and difficulty dealing with things in life. Througout all this i experienced different odd medical problems, from bells palsey(half my body being paralyzed) to a small tumour in my brain, to cancer cells, to endo. I have come through much in my life, i have become a strong women, a loving caring compassionate person, ive made leaps and bounds and jumped over mountains, now no one can judge...walk a mile in my shoes...then you can stand and judge me. I love me and those who are close to me love me. Four months ago I lost my daughter i went into labour early SHE LIVED for two whole weeks and fought so hard to stay with us, she grew he wings and returned to heaven<3 I love and miss her sooo deeply... it feels llike only yesterday i had her in my belly, now she flys with angels in heaven. there is no pain greater then losing a child, young or old, the pain of holding your flesh and blood in your arms and having them gone forever leaves a hole and a pain nothing can ever fill, no time can fully heal. Though always on my mind and in my heart.....Now a mother a strong women that my daughter can be proud of an amazing person, maddies momma. Do not judge me on my past but on the person i am today. Im proud to be who i am . love me for me

My first ever blog post :)

This is my very first blog post ever, im not to formiliar but im going to tak a good shot at it.!
As my very first blog i would like to share my pregnancy and loss experience. I found out that i was pregnant in december by accident realli, i went to the hospital because i was very very sick, while there the doctor informed me that i was pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was thrilled, my fiance was at work i txt him and then the phone died..bummer... my little bro and his gf came up they were shocked but excited. My mom found out after she returned from novascotia and we continued to inform people accordingly from there. The beginning of my pregnancy was not horrible but not a walk in the park either... i was often sick and achy and in pain...back,neck etc.  Other wise the pregnancy was good healthy and so was the baby. I was sure i was having a girl which results later confirmed i was right...hahah i was right. In april i woke up one morning after being seriously sick the days before, to heavy bleeding, and a large clot..not trying to be icky but the size of a large steak. I panicked i was so scared and worried about my baby this little belly rider id come to love soooo deeply. we rushed to the hospital, where the checked things out and monitored me for three days.... i was ok and so was my little girl....so they sent me home with no new follow up app. just the regular one over a month later. and even told me they didnt know what was wrong or what happened. geee belleville hospital go figure. on a happy note the only happy note of being there was during an ultrasound maddie put her little hand up in the i love you sign, letting momma know she was ok <3 special little girl. On may 16th i was having bad cramps/pain i thought she was flipping, due to the time and the fact she was breech, i had this days prior aswell n brushed it off....my first pregnancy im only 21 i didnt know so i put it off, any ways on the 16th we went for ice cream..still having pain.... i decided i needed to go to the hospital something wasnt right.. so we did.... i went right up to 7th and they took me right in...maddies heart was still good. they continued to look me over and came back with there was a 50/50 chance that in the next two weeks i would go into labour...great....they decided that i should go to kingston hospital to be monitored...again pure terror my poor baby girl..... they put 2 nitro patches on me and sent me by ambulance, the ride down was bruital i was sooooooo sick that they put the lights and irens on and rushed me to the hospital, where my fiance met us and my mom later showed up with my dad. I was given an emergency c-section while being violently ill, by the end i had passed out...the epidural didnt even hurt the demerol they gave me in the but hurt waaaayyy more. My fiance went with maddie and i went to recovery. When i awoke i couldnt feel anything below my ribs, which was probably good cuzz i had a huge cut through the main muscle in my tummy. First thought was, where's maddie? how'smaddie? when can i see her? maddie maddie, maddie, i needed my maddie!!!!!!!! as soon as i was able to get in a wheelchair i rushed to the nicu to see my new baby girl..not sure what to excpect, all i was told was shess beautiful!!!!!!!! I got in washed my hands and went to see my girl.....SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL SOOOO BEAUTIFUL, and tiny she weighed 1 pound and 5 oz. soooo small but perfect absolutely perfect ..tiny hands... tiny feet..toes, fingers...little harie ears, sooo pearfect no flaws, she could grasp my fingers and she knew who her mommy and daddy were by voice, she sucked on a soother, yawned, wiggled around, and was very fiesty!!!! a fighter, a beautiful fighter!!!! her outside was so perfect, the inside had some more growing...madddies pda didnt close so they tried to give her indomiecine that unfortunately didnt do it byt that time her kidneys had started to fail, she also had a level 3 bleed on her brain common in micro premies, she battled with her levels for 2 weeks fighting and fighting. Finally our beautiful little girl couldnt fight anymore and there was nothing i could do i couldnt do anyhting i was her mom why couldnt i help her. why couldnt i fix it save my baby my miracle. all i could do was take her pain away give her peace, no more morphine and machine, i gave my little girl her wings. maddie passed away in my arms on may 29th 2011 at 12:00pm my angel got her wings i knew then she was never born to stay she had angel blood and god simply wanted it this way.... I miss her soooo bad and love her so much shes sooo beautiful my baby girl. maddie rose, maddison roseanne ruth vos my love and life my babay girl..... this is my first post ill continue later