Loving me for me

Today is september the 18th, yesterday my little angel would have been 4 months old!!!!! not only that she would have been able to come home with mommy and daddy. I sit back now and think of all the events that have played out up until now in my life, now dont get me wrong im not one for sympathy or a pity party....but the last 21 years have been no walk in the parrk for me....I used to be horribly ashamed of my past, and liked to bottle everyhting up inside....note to self not helpful........ I guesse ill begin on january 17th 1990, a month before i was due. I was born premature at 4 pounds, i fit between my mom's plam and the crease in her elbow, i was born with jaundice and a crocked nose, they called me a peanut because i was so small and tinted yellow, no diapers fit me so i had to be covered with a doctors mask and dressed in cabbage patch close due to the fact that is alll that would fit me.....And my mom thought i was smallll. In some ways my life was normal growing up...i went to school, got good grades, had a mom at home with a daycare, had friends, in those terms life was good. behind the scenes my biological father was a drunk abusive loser..i suppose that puts it nicely...the bastard used to beat my mom mentally and physically..he is a very scary man.... My parents seperated when i was in third grade. The beginning of the down world spiral.... My mom finally got the courage to divorce my father which i am now very very proud of her for doing(Amazing accoplishement mom) it was supposed to be better from here on out no more beatings, no yelling, no throwing things....possibly a chance at life without this? In  the beginning we visited my biological....soon things turned bad and i nor my brother wanted to go anymore....;why? was my mothers question..her answer didnt come until 8 years later, i was very young and so was my brother, we didnt like going to see our father, we hated it, but we went, due to some pretty pathetic guilt trips laid on kids by their grown adult father.I was 7 years old when it all began...as a child i didnt know what was going on, yet felt terribly uncomfortable being forced to sleep with biological alone, brushing upagianst me, the odd in appropriate grab. It soon worsened and i knew that it definately wasn't right anymore...my father raped and molested me for 7 years. I headed down a long dark road from there...one of shame, guilt disgust, self loathing, self harming, deep deppression..you get the picture..it wasnt pretty, nor was it for attention..simply to feel another pain to control something...i was lost scared and alone...the words if you tell i will kill your mmommy your brother and your nanny echoing through my head. the sceneces rehashing in my head, the disgusting words.  This didnt go unnoticed, one day after discovering my self harm and after several suicide attempts, mom mom asked if anything had ever happned and furthered her question with did ur father ever do anything to you? I broke i revealed everyhting that i had gone through, i caved i couldnt hold it in anymore it was killing me. we then went to court on both provincial and federal level, they got a warant for his arrest and flew him back to be held in custody and for the cases. After a nasty case he was let free..... Again massive downward spiral, drugs alchohol, smoking, living on my own, no school... to this day i still have flash backs and difficulty dealing with things in life. Througout all this i experienced different odd medical problems, from bells palsey(half my body being paralyzed) to a small tumour in my brain, to cancer cells, to endo. I have come through much in my life, i have become a strong women, a loving caring compassionate person, ive made leaps and bounds and jumped over mountains, now no one can judge...walk a mile in my shoes...then you can stand and judge me. I love me and those who are close to me love me. Four months ago I lost my daughter i went into labour early SHE LIVED for two whole weeks and fought so hard to stay with us, she grew he wings and returned to heaven<3 I love and miss her sooo deeply... it feels llike only yesterday i had her in my belly, now she flys with angels in heaven. there is no pain greater then losing a child, young or old, the pain of holding your flesh and blood in your arms and having them gone forever leaves a hole and a pain nothing can ever fill, no time can fully heal. Though always on my mind and in my heart.....Now a mother a strong women that my daughter can be proud of an amazing person, maddies momma. Do not judge me on my past but on the person i am today. Im proud to be who i am . love me for me